July 12, 2020

I am not that good

I cannot remember what I did but I do remember her response, “I never expected this from you, see how you look innocent.” I remember that whatever I did was not catastrophic, but I had gotten those kinds of comments all my life. Guys would approach me and declare their admiration simply because I looked ‘good’, trust me they were not in love with my fashion sense which has always been lacking. Instead they were drawn to the idea that I was naive and innocent rather I looked naïve, innocent and I guess ‘good’.

This might not sound like a problem that would require a whole blog post and it probably doesn’t but for a period of my life while I was in the trenches of sin, battling shame and guilt; people will still tell me how innocent and godly I looked. I felt farthest from godly. I felt like the people in 2 Tim 3: 5 who had the form of godliness and nothing much. What people were saying and seeing felt far from what I was experiencing.

It was so easy to pretend like all was good because people saw otherwise but I felt rotten on the inside till His grace found me and began to do a work in me. That work is far from done; it is still going on till this second as I type these words. Sometimes it is easy to look righteous, but we are dying on the inside and that is not what our Father wants for us. He wants us to be whole from the inside out.

Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts puts it this way, “God cannot bless who you pretend to be, He can only bless who you really are.” Only when we get to the point of brokenness and take on that posture of surrender can that good and marvellous work, He want to do in us begin.

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

He wants you, baggage, and all but we need to drop the façade. For a long time, people created an image of godliness in me that just wasn’t there and it was easy to act like I had it all together because no one knew. This was until I came face to face with my maker and presented all to Him to renew my heart. A clean heart was what mattered to me, I did not need to look good if on the inside I was far from Him.

Today God is calling us to a place of realness so He can begin a work in us. I always remember David’s posture in Psalms 51, please read it when you can.

I do not carry around a flag now shouting how godly and innocent I am, instead every day I am thankful for His grace and love that is constantly showered on me. I am not good enough to deserve it and the thought of that brings me to tears but if each day He shows me that wonderful, amazing grace then I am good.

I cannot ask for more!

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